That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
