Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
