1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
