I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
