yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
