ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
