It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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