I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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