I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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