We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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