You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
