I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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