So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize