I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize