fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
