Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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