Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
