I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
In America we eat man semen.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
