I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
