I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
