i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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