We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
