i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
