I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
someone owes me an orgasm
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
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