mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
