I'm jealous of your bromance
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
