totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
