I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
