i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You're a waste of cheezeits
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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