it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
