the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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