I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
