Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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