o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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