you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
