Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
