Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
