i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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