Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
