I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize