I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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