remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
