remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
