The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
