Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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