You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
