I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
