It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize