You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
my poor anus
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize