Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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