When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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