Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
