I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
