I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
