ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
