Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
