shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
