My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
