"it" just moved
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Who died my cat blue again?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
