when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
