If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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