We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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