I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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