Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
