I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
